Aside from Iron Man, the last five years of Marvel ownership of Marvel was atrocious from a film standpoint. From 2004 to 2009, Marvel released not only some of the worst comic book films known to man, they also released some of the worst films, period. Before then, they were releasing pure awesome of the likes of Blade and X-Men. They even threw Punisher at us, and we ate all of it up. Spider-Man wasn’t really my thing, but my brother loved the hell out of it and apparently so did the rest of the world. But after that, they released things like Elektra and Ghost Rider. X-Men the Last Stand was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, falling just short of Dark Knight Rises. The sequel to the Punisher would have made Frank Castle want to kill his entire family. X-Men Origins? Really? How do you introduce a character like Deadpool, and then take away his ability to talk. The only reason Deadpool still exists as a comic book character is because of his voice and the things he says with it. The Fantastic Four was a damn joke. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was cool in the theaters because I was 17 and didn’t know any better, but as soon as I watched it in the comforts of my own home, I was immediately ashamed of myself.
They destroyed a franchise like Blade with it’s “final” installment. How do you ruin Blade? You probably could have taken two hours of footage of Wesley Snipes playing waste-paper basketball under a blacklight and your fans would have been happier with you. And who chose the “villains” for Rise of the Silver Surfer? What kind of comic book movie doesn’t have comic book characters doing comic booky things? They chased around a silver dude in their jet for an hour before convincing him to go kill the giant evil wormhole in space. The Fantastic Four didn’t actually do anything in the last Fantastic Four movie.
Spider-Man 3! I could put up with Topher Grace being Venom. I could even put up with the fact that you gave our protagonist 3 villains at once. But no. That wasn’t enough for you. You had to shyt in our hat one more time. You made Peter Parker an emo douche! I don’t care that you needed to show us how bad the Venom was. It is Hollywood! Think of something better.
And the Hulk… he is one of my little brother’s and my all-time favorite characters. My little bro fell asleep during the movie. In the theaters. That bad. What did you do to him? What did you do!? You’re so lucky Edward Norton exists; he resurrected that monstrosity. You put Hulk up against three giant gamma dogs and his electro-monster father. And as awesome as it sounded while I was typing that, it was awful. God awful. For shame, Marvel film people. For shame.
I, for one, was legitimately excited when Disney announced they were buying Marvel in 2009. There’s no way they could do worse. Like, literally, no way. Not only has their three phase idea been working marvelously, I’m just all around excited to see how they mold this universe into one giant conglomerate. They made Captain America cool again. He hadn't been cool since the 60s. And now my wife knows who Hawkeye is. Could any man say that back in 2009? No. No, they couldn't. Also, I don’t care that I barely know who the Guardians of the Galaxy are, I’m going to see that movie opening day. Yup.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
How to Make Episode 7 Not Suck While Keeping EU Fans Happy
Before you continue reading this, at all, understand two things: 1) I'm guessing as to what Disney will and will not remove from the EU storyline, and 2) there are huge Expanded Universe spoilers in the coming paragraphs. If you have any sort of inclination to read any of the EU, stop reading this now. Like, right now.
Also, any hyperlinked words in this blog are links to Wookieepedia to further explain what those items are. It'll help you give you a little back story if you don't know these characters, places, or situations, or it'll serve as a refresher if you haven't read the Legacy of the Force series in a while.
Also also, there's a podcast episode companion to this which should be up and running shortly.
Now that I have that out of the way, we can set the opening scene. Circa 35ish years after the Return of the Jedi, Coruscant is being rebuilt as well as the rest of the galaxy. The Yuuzhan Vong are acknowledged, along with the war, but there's no actual talk of the turmoil that took place just a few years before. Basically, the Yuuzhan Vong are a species of militant, violent, and brutal humanoids who invaded what we know as the Star Wars galaxy from a whole other galaxy. They wrecked shop for a long time (7 or 8 years, I believe), hunting Jedi like sport. They also turned Coruscant, what we remember being a planet-wide city, into a moss-covered wasteland. You could also completely ignore the Yuuzhan Vong war and pretend that all this galactic battle damage came from decades of the Imperial and Republic/Rebel Alliance war. I know, I know, but we already know Disney is destroying cannon, I'm just guessing as to what's going to make it to the editor's floor. But for the sake of my story, we're sticking with the Yuuzhan Vong.
Our main characters, from the original trilogy still exist, but obviously we are passing the reigns to younger, newer characters/actors. Jacen Solo, Jaina Solo, and Ben Skywalker will be our new protagonists. Anakin Solo exists too, but he won't play a big part until Episode 8, other than to show that he and Ben Skywalker are best friends. All four of them are Jedi Knights or higher, by the way.
Jacen Solo and Tenal Ka, who's also a Jedi, have a love interest that's lasted a while, long enough where they have a daughter together, Allana, who's just a wee one. There's also a very large rift between Jacen and Jaina, who used to be best friends. Born as the twins of Han Solo And Leia Organa, and basically raised by Chewbacca, these two were inseparable for their 25 years of sibling-hood. But during the Vong War, Jacen starting growing apart from Jaina, and living a much more secluded life. Jaina's worried about Jacen's well being, sensing something is drastically wrong with her twin, while Jacen just wants to be left alone to his studies. They are Jedi, after all; they're supposed to do a lot of studying. That being said, Jaina asks her aunt, Luke Skywalker's wife, Mara Jade to secretly look after him.
Without getting too deep into the politics of the Galaxy, which I kind of explain in a bit more detail in the Podcast counterpart of this, the galaxy is rifted into two parts. The Galactic Federation of Free Alliances, which is basically the New-New-Republic, and the Confederation, which is made up of planet systems that were relatively unaffected by the Yuuzhan Vong war (Corellia, Adumar, Bespin, Bothawui, and Commenor. Others eventually joined, also). The Confederation wants to be left to their own devices, while the Federation is counting on help from the Confederation to help rebuild the capital and other demolished worlds. This infighting eventually leads to another civil war. And though you can call me unoriginal for following the plot of the Legacy of the Force series, but seriously, it's an amazing story that already exists. Why not keep this going?
Cal Omas, who runs the Federation government, wants to repair the rift between his people and Thracken Sal-Solo, the man in control of the Confederation government. While he's trying to do this, the Federation military starts arresting Corellian-born Federation citizens against Cal Omas's wishes, stating that they could be government or military spies. Any chance to mend the problems between the Corellians and the Federation goes right out the window with this move. Corran Horn, a high-ranking member of Luke Skywalker's New Jedi order, and Wedge Antilles are among the Corellians who are arrested. The detainment of these two names send the Confederation into a frenzy, and they quickly (and easily) amass a fleet, which they use to attack and mutilate The Federation's largest shipyard. Any prisoners taken from this attack are used as bargaining chips to free the Corellian political prisoners. Corran immediately goes to the Jedi Order and chooses to take sides with the Corellians (without the Order's support), and Wedge is made Grand Admiral of the Corellian fleet.
The destruction of the shipyard immediately causes Cal Omas to flipflop on his stance, making a public announcement condemning the Corellian Confederation and labeling them terrorists. The Corellians mention that their own actions have sparked the interest of the Hutts and the Chiss. As a viewer you don't see the Hutts as important, and you barely (if at all) know who the Chiss are. This is downplayed for a reason. They're really both separate and wholly large civilizations that are anti-New Republic, both of which have wanted a reason to throw a punch for decades. Plus Grand Admiral Thrawn was a Chiss, and though he died 20 years earlier in the current EU storyline, you never know what Disney will and will not consider cannon for this script...
This whole "rebellion" of sorts has the potential to turn into yet another full scale civil war, and Cal Omas, Supreme Admiral Cha Niathal of the Federation Navy, and Jacen Solo all see this. This isn't just a muscle flexing competition anymore. Jacen and Cha have been friends and military counterparts since the Vong war. They both compliment each other as Cha is a strategy mastermind while Jacen has the ability to do what the Jedi call a "Battle Meld". With Jacen's particular battle meld, he has the ability to connect minds with everyone on the battlefield, giving his side an obvious advantage. The problem with this meld is it takes a negative toll on Jacen's well being every time he does it, which he keeps quiet to everyone else. They decide they need to begin reforming their fleets.
In the meantime, Thracken Sal-Solo is in conversations with Tenal Ka, the Queen of the Hapes Consortium, regarding the possible military alliance between the two governments. Tenal Ka talks it over with Jacen, who convinces her that the Corellians are truly nothing more than terrorists. Tenal respectfully declines Thracken's offer, wishing to remain neutral. As soon as this happens, Thracken sides with a group of renegade Hapan nobles in an attempt to overthrow the queen. In order to do this, they carry out an assassination of her and her daughter, which is abruptly foiled by Jacen, who sensed this was happening from the beginning. After he saves her life, Jacen pitches the idea of joining the Federation to the Hapans, which she agrees to because the Corellians just tried to kill her and her daughter. He and Niathal have Tenal Ka schedule a meeting between the Corellian and the Hapan fleets. When the Confederation fleet arrives, they are immediately attacked by not only the Hapans, but the Federation fleet also. Insert 20 minute JJ Abrams style space battle. Please.
It doesn't matter how its done, but the conclusion is the inevitable loss by the Confederation as they retreat and limp away to lick their wounds. The Federation celebrates a victory and a new alliance with the Hapans. After the battle, Jacen finds and kills the Hapan nobles by crushing their necks through the force (or some other type of equally Sideous or Vader-like act). Either way, this causes a disturbance in the force that Mara Jade notices, forcing her to confront Jacen. Jacen admits to the Force battle meld causing him extreme exhaustion, and after every one he needs to retire to his quarters to study and meditate. She doesn't believe him, but leave the conversation to dwell on it. After she leaves, he calls Cha Niathal to tell her that they should have a conversation about their future.
Cut to the ending scenes where Jacen and Supreme Admiral Cha Niathal stand behind Cal Omas as he declares an all out war on the Corellian Confederation. Cut over to a different scene where a random Hutt standing in front of a few uniformed, blue-skinned Chiss and Mandalorians as he talks to a very weary and tired Thracken Sal-Solo, the conversation ending in nods and handshakes. Cut back to Jacen Solo having a conversation with Anakin Solo and Ben Skywalker about how, even though it's not even remotely Jedi-like, Thracken Sal-Solo needs to be assassinated before he does anymore damage, causing Ben and Anakin to exchange worried glances. The final scenes are troops marching, ships flying, and us viewers wondering who's really the bad guy.
After Credits Scene
You can't ignore the fact that since Disney's making these movies there will be an after credit scene. And this is also the perfect chance to tease the next stand-alone film, which will probably be a Boba Fett movie, which will also probably already be in production by the time Episode VII hits the theaters.
Picture this. Relatively deserted cantina door opens, and in strolls Boba Fett in full Mandalorian garb. Without breaking stride or paying attention to the countless curious patrons, he strolls up to a table where a figure hidden by shadows sits, reaches into one of his pouches, and tosses a data card on the table. A blue humanoid hand reaches out of the shadows and takes the data card, saying, "Thank you, Fett. Payment was posted an hour ago." To which Fett replies, "I know, I saw. It was good doing business with you, Admiral." The emphasis on the word Admiral causes the shadowed figure to lean out, revealing a blue-skinned, red-eyed, black haired man who says, "No one has called me Admiral in 20 years..." Fett just subtly shakes his head as he turns to leave, saying, "You can't lie to me. You forget, I know everything. See you soon"
Also, any hyperlinked words in this blog are links to Wookieepedia to further explain what those items are. It'll help you give you a little back story if you don't know these characters, places, or situations, or it'll serve as a refresher if you haven't read the Legacy of the Force series in a while.
Also also, there's a podcast episode companion to this which should be up and running shortly.
Now that I have that out of the way, we can set the opening scene. Circa 35ish years after the Return of the Jedi, Coruscant is being rebuilt as well as the rest of the galaxy. The Yuuzhan Vong are acknowledged, along with the war, but there's no actual talk of the turmoil that took place just a few years before. Basically, the Yuuzhan Vong are a species of militant, violent, and brutal humanoids who invaded what we know as the Star Wars galaxy from a whole other galaxy. They wrecked shop for a long time (7 or 8 years, I believe), hunting Jedi like sport. They also turned Coruscant, what we remember being a planet-wide city, into a moss-covered wasteland. You could also completely ignore the Yuuzhan Vong war and pretend that all this galactic battle damage came from decades of the Imperial and Republic/Rebel Alliance war. I know, I know, but we already know Disney is destroying cannon, I'm just guessing as to what's going to make it to the editor's floor. But for the sake of my story, we're sticking with the Yuuzhan Vong.Our main characters, from the original trilogy still exist, but obviously we are passing the reigns to younger, newer characters/actors. Jacen Solo, Jaina Solo, and Ben Skywalker will be our new protagonists. Anakin Solo exists too, but he won't play a big part until Episode 8, other than to show that he and Ben Skywalker are best friends. All four of them are Jedi Knights or higher, by the way.
Jacen Solo and Tenal Ka, who's also a Jedi, have a love interest that's lasted a while, long enough where they have a daughter together, Allana, who's just a wee one. There's also a very large rift between Jacen and Jaina, who used to be best friends. Born as the twins of Han Solo And Leia Organa, and basically raised by Chewbacca, these two were inseparable for their 25 years of sibling-hood. But during the Vong War, Jacen starting growing apart from Jaina, and living a much more secluded life. Jaina's worried about Jacen's well being, sensing something is drastically wrong with her twin, while Jacen just wants to be left alone to his studies. They are Jedi, after all; they're supposed to do a lot of studying. That being said, Jaina asks her aunt, Luke Skywalker's wife, Mara Jade to secretly look after him.Without getting too deep into the politics of the Galaxy, which I kind of explain in a bit more detail in the Podcast counterpart of this, the galaxy is rifted into two parts. The Galactic Federation of Free Alliances, which is basically the New-New-Republic, and the Confederation, which is made up of planet systems that were relatively unaffected by the Yuuzhan Vong war (Corellia, Adumar, Bespin, Bothawui, and Commenor. Others eventually joined, also). The Confederation wants to be left to their own devices, while the Federation is counting on help from the Confederation to help rebuild the capital and other demolished worlds. This infighting eventually leads to another civil war. And though you can call me unoriginal for following the plot of the Legacy of the Force series, but seriously, it's an amazing story that already exists. Why not keep this going?
Cal Omas, who runs the Federation government, wants to repair the rift between his people and Thracken Sal-Solo, the man in control of the Confederation government. While he's trying to do this, the Federation military starts arresting Corellian-born Federation citizens against Cal Omas's wishes, stating that they could be government or military spies. Any chance to mend the problems between the Corellians and the Federation goes right out the window with this move. Corran Horn, a high-ranking member of Luke Skywalker's New Jedi order, and Wedge Antilles are among the Corellians who are arrested. The detainment of these two names send the Confederation into a frenzy, and they quickly (and easily) amass a fleet, which they use to attack and mutilate The Federation's largest shipyard. Any prisoners taken from this attack are used as bargaining chips to free the Corellian political prisoners. Corran immediately goes to the Jedi Order and chooses to take sides with the Corellians (without the Order's support), and Wedge is made Grand Admiral of the Corellian fleet.
The destruction of the shipyard immediately causes Cal Omas to flipflop on his stance, making a public announcement condemning the Corellian Confederation and labeling them terrorists. The Corellians mention that their own actions have sparked the interest of the Hutts and the Chiss. As a viewer you don't see the Hutts as important, and you barely (if at all) know who the Chiss are. This is downplayed for a reason. They're really both separate and wholly large civilizations that are anti-New Republic, both of which have wanted a reason to throw a punch for decades. Plus Grand Admiral Thrawn was a Chiss, and though he died 20 years earlier in the current EU storyline, you never know what Disney will and will not consider cannon for this script...
This whole "rebellion" of sorts has the potential to turn into yet another full scale civil war, and Cal Omas, Supreme Admiral Cha Niathal of the Federation Navy, and Jacen Solo all see this. This isn't just a muscle flexing competition anymore. Jacen and Cha have been friends and military counterparts since the Vong war. They both compliment each other as Cha is a strategy mastermind while Jacen has the ability to do what the Jedi call a "Battle Meld". With Jacen's particular battle meld, he has the ability to connect minds with everyone on the battlefield, giving his side an obvious advantage. The problem with this meld is it takes a negative toll on Jacen's well being every time he does it, which he keeps quiet to everyone else. They decide they need to begin reforming their fleets.In the meantime, Thracken Sal-Solo is in conversations with Tenal Ka, the Queen of the Hapes Consortium, regarding the possible military alliance between the two governments. Tenal Ka talks it over with Jacen, who convinces her that the Corellians are truly nothing more than terrorists. Tenal respectfully declines Thracken's offer, wishing to remain neutral. As soon as this happens, Thracken sides with a group of renegade Hapan nobles in an attempt to overthrow the queen. In order to do this, they carry out an assassination of her and her daughter, which is abruptly foiled by Jacen, who sensed this was happening from the beginning. After he saves her life, Jacen pitches the idea of joining the Federation to the Hapans, which she agrees to because the Corellians just tried to kill her and her daughter. He and Niathal have Tenal Ka schedule a meeting between the Corellian and the Hapan fleets. When the Confederation fleet arrives, they are immediately attacked by not only the Hapans, but the Federation fleet also. Insert 20 minute JJ Abrams style space battle. Please.It doesn't matter how its done, but the conclusion is the inevitable loss by the Confederation as they retreat and limp away to lick their wounds. The Federation celebrates a victory and a new alliance with the Hapans. After the battle, Jacen finds and kills the Hapan nobles by crushing their necks through the force (or some other type of equally Sideous or Vader-like act). Either way, this causes a disturbance in the force that Mara Jade notices, forcing her to confront Jacen. Jacen admits to the Force battle meld causing him extreme exhaustion, and after every one he needs to retire to his quarters to study and meditate. She doesn't believe him, but leave the conversation to dwell on it. After she leaves, he calls Cha Niathal to tell her that they should have a conversation about their future.
Cut to the ending scenes where Jacen and Supreme Admiral Cha Niathal stand behind Cal Omas as he declares an all out war on the Corellian Confederation. Cut over to a different scene where a random Hutt standing in front of a few uniformed, blue-skinned Chiss and Mandalorians as he talks to a very weary and tired Thracken Sal-Solo, the conversation ending in nods and handshakes. Cut back to Jacen Solo having a conversation with Anakin Solo and Ben Skywalker about how, even though it's not even remotely Jedi-like, Thracken Sal-Solo needs to be assassinated before he does anymore damage, causing Ben and Anakin to exchange worried glances. The final scenes are troops marching, ships flying, and us viewers wondering who's really the bad guy.
After Credits Scene
You can't ignore the fact that since Disney's making these movies there will be an after credit scene. And this is also the perfect chance to tease the next stand-alone film, which will probably be a Boba Fett movie, which will also probably already be in production by the time Episode VII hits the theaters.
End
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Rumor Reel #1 - 03.26.14
Indiana "Reboot"
Indiana Jones may be moving in the direction that James Bond did. Though recasting the character could possibly ruin some people's day, I, for one, am extremely excited by the rumor read today regarding Bradley Cooper's possible involvement with the Indy we know and love. I would like to take this time to thank Latino Review for either blatantly lying to us or breaking some amazing early news.
The Lightsaber Duel of First Bill
The young, lead male shortlist for Star Wars 7 keeps getting shorter and shorter. When I was browsing last week, the list was at seven or eight. Now, according to Screen Rant and their sources, the shortlist is down to five. Ed Speleers, who starred in Downtown Abby is on that list, along with Matthew James Thomas and Ray Fischer, who are both theater actors for the most part. The two actors I'm most curious to see in a Jedi robe are Jesse Plemons (Battleship) and John Boyega (Attack the Block). Though this casting bill causes me to believe their scrapping more of the Expanded Universe than I previously thought, I can't help but be excited. With filming scheduled to start within the next two months, you'd think that at least one cast member would be officially announced by now.
Wolverine's Second Chance
Fox announced that there is a sequel to The Wolverine to be released sometime in 2017. This gives Wolverine writers a chance to make up for that garbage they released last time. Lets hope they bring back Gambit and Deadpool. They could even give Gambit and Rogue that love story true X-Men fans know they need. Also in the linked article is a link to another article discussing a possible Daredevil reboot, which I would not be opposed to.
Indiana Jones may be moving in the direction that James Bond did. Though recasting the character could possibly ruin some people's day, I, for one, am extremely excited by the rumor read today regarding Bradley Cooper's possible involvement with the Indy we know and love. I would like to take this time to thank Latino Review for either blatantly lying to us or breaking some amazing early news.
The Lightsaber Duel of First Bill
The young, lead male shortlist for Star Wars 7 keeps getting shorter and shorter. When I was browsing last week, the list was at seven or eight. Now, according to Screen Rant and their sources, the shortlist is down to five. Ed Speleers, who starred in Downtown Abby is on that list, along with Matthew James Thomas and Ray Fischer, who are both theater actors for the most part. The two actors I'm most curious to see in a Jedi robe are Jesse Plemons (Battleship) and John Boyega (Attack the Block). Though this casting bill causes me to believe their scrapping more of the Expanded Universe than I previously thought, I can't help but be excited. With filming scheduled to start within the next two months, you'd think that at least one cast member would be officially announced by now.
Wolverine's Second Chance
Fox announced that there is a sequel to The Wolverine to be released sometime in 2017. This gives Wolverine writers a chance to make up for that garbage they released last time. Lets hope they bring back Gambit and Deadpool. They could even give Gambit and Rogue that love story true X-Men fans know they need. Also in the linked article is a link to another article discussing a possible Daredevil reboot, which I would not be opposed to.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Call of Dooty: Crap Ops Duece [Old Post]
You know that feeling when you and a girl you’ve been working on all night are on the couch, kissing and getting all hot and bothered? Then, just as you start to move your hands towards her jeans button, she stops you and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t today, if you know what I mean. Maybe next time.”
That’s exactly what Black Ops 2 did to me.
Other than “Transit”, their new take on Zombies where you and three other people work together to kill the undead while traveling to different maps via a creepy automated bus while building weird contraptions to help you access otherwise inaccessible shenanigans, the game is garbage.
You do get to build a class with any 10 items you want without any true restrictions, though, which doesn’t really matter because there isn’t a noticeable difference to the damage any of the weapons in the game do in comparison to one another. A round from a light machine gun does the same damage as a round from a sub-machine gun. It was almost as if the game creators had a board meeting and said “Hey, lets get rid of any skill value in this game. Lets get soccer moms and Betty White interested in our franchise.” If you want to play this game like a “god”, just run around hip-firing a three burst pistol with an extended clip, popping people in the feet. I swear it works. That’s what I did for a week and 45 levels before I sold the game and replaced it with Halo 4.
Ha! After that Craigslist sale, I yelped with joy and skipped away, to the point where I bet the guy thought I had just sold him a broken game. Little did he know, he would have felt better about buying a broken copy of Fusion Frenzy. He also would have felt better about spending $40 on a tug-job from a wrestler with sandpaper hands.
The multi-player gameplay feels like something out of a 2005 Medal of Honor game. Oh, and I played the game for a total of 3 hours (including zombies) to get up to level 45. That doesn’t spell “challenging” in my dictionary. As a matter of fact, I think it spells “shyte”. I didn’t even make it to the campaign part of the game, so I can’t truly comment on it. I can only assume it to be as depressing and annoying as a beta version of the original Playstation’s Tomb Raider.
If you haven’t bought it yet, don’t buy it. If you bought it as a Christmas gift for someone, open the gift up and replace the game with a 90s version of Playgirl Magazine. That would be exponentially better to receive on Jesus’s birthday than a disc worth countless hours of frustration and disappointment.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Vikings - Violently Amazing
I don’t know if its the eyes so blue they make you think they’re CGI enhanced or if its the blood stained skin and hipster haircut, but something about the main character of Vikings leads me to believe that I wouldn’t want to meet this guy in a dark alley.
Ragnar Lothbrok, the main protagonist, his sociopathic brother, and equally psychotic wife make up an amazing main line-up of good guys. They drink and fight for blood (against each one another), and spitefully take their clan’s chieftain on, creating an addictive, sit-and-watch-five-episodes-at-once story.
In the first Norse raid the viewer is a part of, the Vikings stumble upon a monastery during their first trip to England. They do exactly what you think a 14th century Nord would do to a town full of priests and golden statues: slaughter and plunder.
I will say that the first episode was rather slow, but it was a much needed set-up for what will develop into one of the best shows on television. Honestly, this is a cold-hearted drama/action for the books, kids.
Season 2 premiered on February 27th, so you don't have that much binge watching to do to catch up with the show.
Season 2 premiered on February 27th, so you don't have that much binge watching to do to catch up with the show.
Friday, March 7, 2014
A New Hope for Science Fiction
Even George Lucas, arguably the father or modern day science fiction cinema, has never one an Oscar. Gravity walking away with an Oscar in “Best Director” now validates our genre to an entire populace of nay-sayers and non-believers. As if Nerdom wasn't practically mainstream anyways, this now makes our geek culture even more of a force to be reckoned with, and for one, I’d like to thank The Academy for that. Lets see what happens in 2015….
Monday, March 3, 2014
Great Lakes Initiative - Milwaukee, Wisconsin's Avengers
Today I learned that there is a “sister team” of the Avengers and the Avengers West Coast. Based out of Milwaukee, WI, the Great Lakes Initiative was founded by Mister Immortal and consisted of Big Bertha, Doorman, Flatman, and Squirrel Girl, all of which ended up playing more cards than actually fighting bad guys. The GLI teamed up with the likes of Captain America, the Human Torch, and She-Hulk. Deadpool was even a “reserve member” of the team for a while before being removed from GLA headquarters because he proved to be too much of a nuisance.
They had many affiliations. Starting as the Great Lakes Initiative, the team was discovered by Mockingbird and Hawkeye, who later ended up training the team as Avengers. They usually kept to themselves, staying far out of the limelight, except during situations where they were called upon by their Avenger West Coast and original Avenger brethren for help.
They remained Avengers by name until they saved the world from their arch nemesis, Maelstrom. In a daring battle, they defeated him but gained no recognition for the events. After losing the rights to the Avenger’s name due to legal threats from the Maria Stark Foundation, the team had a realization that they all were mutants, thus becoming GLX, or the Great Lakes X-Men.
They remained the GLX until the events of the Superhero Civil War, where they became the first team to register with the superhuman registration act, becoming the government initiative team from Wisconsin.
The more you know…
Friday, February 14, 2014
The Hobbit: A Drug on Your Mobile Phone
Hobbit: Kingdoms of Middle-Earth
I don’t think its farfetched to describe this game as more addictive than a cocaine infused blowjob (don’t think that’s possible, but just imagine if it was). We’ve all played those stupid Facebook time-killing games by Kabam and got bored after a few days. Mafia Wars sucked me in hard, only to lose me after about a week. But Hobbits... oh, these little hairy foot bastards latched onto me and sunk their teeth in, infecting me with whatever repulsive virus that makes you check your iPhone every seven-and-a-half minutes. My addiction is bad enough that I started another Hobbit account on my iPad. And got three of my eight brothers into it. And my sister-in-law. And my old roommate. And his new roommate. And started an alliance.
To be honest, it can barely be considered a LotR game. The only “cannon” (nerd term) that this game offers is a few “Hero” characters from the movies that lead your raids on goblin camps and enemy cities. That being said, it’s lack of story relevance doesn’t take away from its amazing and gloriously addicting gluteus maximus-kickingness. You spend an obnoxious amount of time (actual real time) creating a city, each building having a level of 1-9, so you can build a super army force of Middle-Earthlings to beat up on less combative, lower level players that downloaded this game, started it, and immediately forgot they had it. Basically, I’m a bully on a server full of people who care exponentially less about this game than I do. Which is fine, because it makes it that much easier to mug them for their gold like I'm an angrier, jewish Smigel.
Which brings me to the people that care about this game about the same as myself, if not more than I do... To hell with them! There is this eleven year old Elven bag of twats that has attacked me so many times in the last two weeks that he has made it impossible for me to build a very specific (and useful) building because his sucker-punching, sticky handed thievery has rendered me unable to stockpile the necessary funds to do it. I'm sure the developers love him though, because I've actually spent real money now to complete my building and rush him with an army to run him back to Mordor.
And I can’t be the only person who thinks Mt. Doom isn’t a very creative name. I mean, it gets its point across, but that's the best Sauron could come up with while he hid for hundreds of years? I guess he did decide to put all of his power in a piece of jewelry that you keep on the very tip of your body. No one ever accused him of being too creative. Anyways...
At the beginning you chose whether you want to be a dwarf or an elf. Other than the "Hero" characters, nothing really changes. Pick your preference, it doesn't matter. Just know that if you go Elf, you're an idiot.
At the beginning you chose whether you want to be a dwarf or an elf. Other than the "Hero" characters, nothing really changes. Pick your preference, it doesn't matter. Just know that if you go Elf, you're an idiot.
Since the release of "The Desolation of Smaug", HKoME has released a new aspect of the game. It appears to be as close to a storyline as you can get with this style of game. Basically, instead of only marching your armies on fellow players and goblin camps, you can also march them through "dungeons" which grant you access to further dungeons which grant you access to runes that can be melded together(?) to form items that are "useful to you". I have yet to gain an item from this that's useful to me, but I can say that after playing this for months, the added aspect to the game was a welcomed event.
Give it a whirl, it really is free-to-play. It's less soul destructive than flappy-bird, but trust me. You will be sinking some hard-earned free time into this thing
Give it a whirl, it really is free-to-play. It's less soul destructive than flappy-bird, but trust me. You will be sinking some hard-earned free time into this thing
Enjoy!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Uber: The Perfect App for the Uni-Lingual, Socially Awkward Geek on the Go
I travel to Chicago often enough that this iPhone app (also on Android) has saved my pasty white ass a dozen times. Seriously. My Chicago office is located in that one part of town where the tollway dumps a bunch of occupied cabs on my street, and its impossible to flag down one that’s empty. I have to walk two or three blocks in the wrong direction of my destination to catch a yellow. Normally, this wouldn’t matter, but try doing this with a briefcase, wing-tip shoes, and a 27” iMac under your arm during a slush storm when your train leaves in seven minutes. Ish is tough, dude.
This is where the Uber app comes in. You set up an account, which takes a total of three minutes (including credit card information), and the app uses your GPS location to call a cab to you. You get a picture of your cabby’s face and an approximate time of arrival, and all you have to do is sit in the lobby and watch his GPS location change on your map.
Then, when your off-the-boat Trinidadian cab driver pulls up, you get a text message telling you to come outside, and instead of being forced to converse with a guy who’s speaking a language you couldn’t even begin to guess, you can just jump in the back of the car, blurt a destination loud enough to hear over his National Public Radio blaring through blown speakers, and go back to searching backpages.com for a date to whatever half-cheap restaurant you think you can get away with expensing.
Honestly, if you travel enough that you spend over $50 a week in cab fare, do yourself a favor and give this app a shot. I’ve been using it for a couple months now and swear by it. If it hasn’t come to a city near you yet, email their people and let them know you want it. Do me a favor and send an email on behalf of Milwaukee, too. I would, but I’m just too damn busy writing nonsense like this.
Edit: Less than a week after I posted this, I got an email from Uber informing me that it was officially in Milwaukee. I got a laugh out of that.
Edit: Less than a week after I posted this, I got an email from Uber informing me that it was officially in Milwaukee. I got a laugh out of that.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
24 Months of Movies
Below is the alphabetical list of movies coming out in the next 24 months that I have even a remote interest in. Give it a gander.
22 Jump Street (2014) - Of course the building across the street was conveniently vacant.
300: Rise of an Empire (2014) - Basically the same as it's predecessor, except they wear blue capes instead of red ones. With 20% more boobs.
A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) - Come on. It's a comedic western with Seth MacFarlane, Liam Neeson, and Neil Patrick Harris. Sold.
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014) - Kid's book from my childhood. I aced that 2nd grade book report. Pre-ritalin.
Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) - The ghost of my man crush's (Denis Leary) character is in it, so I'm cool with it. The first one didn’t suck, either.
Ant-man (2015) - The original founder of the Avengers is very jealous he was left out of last two summer blockbusters.
Assassin’s Creed (2015) - This is a 2 hour parkour and knife throwing documentary.
Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) - Hulk fights Thor while fighting some type of intergalactic monsters in New York. Spiderman is not called for help. Again.
Bond 24 (2015) - A drunk Scottish man pretending to be a British man drives overly priced European vehicles in chase of terrorists that cause a plot twist at the end.
Bourne Identity 5 (2015) - Renner and Damon fist-fight until they’re tired, then work together to save some girl who was previously irrelevant to the story.
Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014) - Cap uses his magic flying shield to fight the NSA.
Clerks III (2014) - If you weren't happy to see this on IMDb, then you don't know who Kevin Smith is and can no longer claim to be a movie buff.
Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger (2015) - 4 words. Flying. Karate. Japanese. Magic. Girls. Pretty colors. Fighting.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) - Post-apocalyptic humans impervious to illness hockey-box monkeys too smart for evolution.
Despicable Me Minions (2015) - Haven’t seen Minions in anything other than a commercial and I still am excited for this.
Divergent (2014) - A super scifi fantasy book series that takes place somewhere in either the Midwest or the Middle East.
Dumb and Dumber To (2014) - We've waited a decade for this franchise to make up for it's last movie.
Edge of Tomorrow (2014) - Tom Cruise dies 100 times in one day to fight GoBots at Normandy, I think.
Entourage (2015) - 7 seasons wasn't enough time for me to learn all the flagrant and vulgar insults and cuss words Ari Gold has to offer.
Expendables 3 (2014) - Sly, Snipes, Schwarzenegger, Statham, and Han Solo shoot shotgun shells at Somalian sea pirates, or something. Yeah, alliteration!
Fantastic Four (2015) - Another Marvel franchise rebooted by Disney because Marvel Comics got real lazy between 2003 and 2008.
Fast & Furious 7 (2015) - Paul Walker's ghost builds a rice burner that teaches Vin Diesel how to act as if he’s not always filming a Riddick movie.
Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) - That one girl who's face you kind of recognize gets tied up, "Hollywood nude", in inappropriate positions and spanked for 2 hours. Not joking.
Godzilla (2014) - Did you see the trailer? Take that, Cloverfield!
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) - A few characters no one knows, but most will claim they’ve been fans of from the beginning, space fight far away.
Heaven is For Real (2014) - I'm relatively religious, and this seems like a feel-good film to take your Grandma to after an early-bird Greek restaurant breakfast.
The Hobbit: There and Back Again (2014) - Drunk, hairy midgets hatchet hack at a voice named Cumberbatch until he dies.
Horrible Bosses 2 (2014) - Charlie Day uses this movie’s full time allotment to get Jennifer Anniston to take her shirt off in front of the camera. Hopefully.
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014) - Who didn't feel good after watching the first one? Plus, it's the sequel to one of my wife's favorite movies.
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 (2014) - The second installment was so good, I read this book. This was the only non-Star Wars book I’ve read in 3 years.
Hunger Games: Mockingjay 2 (2015) - The book wasn't long enough to split into two movies.
Insidious 3 (2015) - I think Darth Maul finally learns how to dual wield double-sided lightsabers in this installment.
Insurgent (2015) - Sequel to Divergent where the entire movie takes place in a bubble somewhere.
Jersey Boys (2014) - If you don’t like Frank Valli-era music, you don’t know music and should drive your Bieber-loving self off a cliff.
Jungle Book (2015) - A young white boy is raised by black panthers and cannot seem to get along with tigers. Its a very confusing racial metaphore. Live action.
Jurassic World (2015) - The script has been rewritten 4 times and will probably still suck, but as long as they have raptors in tall grass, I'm sure most of us will be okay with it.
Lone Survivor (2014) - Who doesn't appreciate a military movie based off actual events staring the guy who founded the Funky Bunch?
Mad Max (2015) - I’m sure we’ve all asked, “Why?” But you’re lying to yourself if you’re saying you won’t watch it.
Mission Impossible 5 (2015) - Tom Cruise proves that age doesn’t matter when you’re discussing zip lining or love interests.
Nymphomaniac: Part One (2014) - If you're a dude and haven't seen this trailer yet, Google it. Now. Unless you're at work. Don't Google it there.
Nymphomaniac: Part Two (2014) - See above.
Paranormal Activity 5 (2014) - Because 4 just wasn't enough to tell this story.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) - Because the only thing this film series was missing was a spin-off.
Peanuts (2015) - The only thing real-life was missing was a CGI Charlie Brown and Snoopy watching a cartoon Charlie and Snoopy on the television.
Poltergeist (2015) - The only thing this movie will have in common with it’s original is that some little girl will say “They’re here.” Also, all the actors die in real life.
Popeye (2015) - No one knows anything about this yet, but, God, I hope it’s live action!
Robocop (2014) - I heard there was no CGI used during any scenes that showed Detroit buildings being destroyed.
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) - I've got nothing for this one. I'm just excited for it.
Star Wars 7 (2015) - The release of the release date of this movie gave me an orgasm. I was wearing basketball shorts in public.
Ted 2 (2015) - Mark Wallburgh wakes up from his 20-year, marijuana induced coma the most famous person in America, as no one has ever went into a pot coma before. Also, he has brain damage and talks to teddies.
Terminator: Genesis (2015) - The movie takes place in the future where Arnold is a real life person who is the model for the robots we know from the past. My guess.
TMNT (2014) - I don't care if they're aliens or if the movie takes place in Dimension X. Give. Me. Turtles.
Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (2014) - a Shai LeBuffless flick where Marky Mark gives Megatron the middle finger for 3 hours.
The Vatican Tapes (2014) - A Horror movie about an exorcism where girl gets a paper cut and some bacterial infection turns her into Satan.
Veronica Mars (2014) - 35 year-old Veronica goes back to school and actually pays attention after learning that private investigative work doesn’t pay well. Like, at all.
X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Wolverine convinces Professor X and Magneto not to go havsies on that '85 DeLorean.
22 Jump Street (2014) - Of course the building across the street was conveniently vacant.
300: Rise of an Empire (2014) - Basically the same as it's predecessor, except they wear blue capes instead of red ones. With 20% more boobs.
A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) - Come on. It's a comedic western with Seth MacFarlane, Liam Neeson, and Neil Patrick Harris. Sold.
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014) - Kid's book from my childhood. I aced that 2nd grade book report. Pre-ritalin.
Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) - The ghost of my man crush's (Denis Leary) character is in it, so I'm cool with it. The first one didn’t suck, either.
Ant-man (2015) - The original founder of the Avengers is very jealous he was left out of last two summer blockbusters.
Assassin’s Creed (2015) - This is a 2 hour parkour and knife throwing documentary.
Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) - Hulk fights Thor while fighting some type of intergalactic monsters in New York. Spiderman is not called for help. Again.
Bond 24 (2015) - A drunk Scottish man pretending to be a British man drives overly priced European vehicles in chase of terrorists that cause a plot twist at the end.
Bourne Identity 5 (2015) - Renner and Damon fist-fight until they’re tired, then work together to save some girl who was previously irrelevant to the story.
Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014) - Cap uses his magic flying shield to fight the NSA.
Clerks III (2014) - If you weren't happy to see this on IMDb, then you don't know who Kevin Smith is and can no longer claim to be a movie buff.
Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger (2015) - 4 words. Flying. Karate. Japanese. Magic. Girls. Pretty colors. Fighting.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) - Post-apocalyptic humans impervious to illness hockey-box monkeys too smart for evolution.
Despicable Me Minions (2015) - Haven’t seen Minions in anything other than a commercial and I still am excited for this.
Divergent (2014) - A super scifi fantasy book series that takes place somewhere in either the Midwest or the Middle East.
Dumb and Dumber To (2014) - We've waited a decade for this franchise to make up for it's last movie.
Edge of Tomorrow (2014) - Tom Cruise dies 100 times in one day to fight GoBots at Normandy, I think.
Entourage (2015) - 7 seasons wasn't enough time for me to learn all the flagrant and vulgar insults and cuss words Ari Gold has to offer.
Expendables 3 (2014) - Sly, Snipes, Schwarzenegger, Statham, and Han Solo shoot shotgun shells at Somalian sea pirates, or something. Yeah, alliteration!
Fantastic Four (2015) - Another Marvel franchise rebooted by Disney because Marvel Comics got real lazy between 2003 and 2008.
Fast & Furious 7 (2015) - Paul Walker's ghost builds a rice burner that teaches Vin Diesel how to act as if he’s not always filming a Riddick movie.
Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) - That one girl who's face you kind of recognize gets tied up, "Hollywood nude", in inappropriate positions and spanked for 2 hours. Not joking.
Godzilla (2014) - Did you see the trailer? Take that, Cloverfield!
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) - A few characters no one knows, but most will claim they’ve been fans of from the beginning, space fight far away.
Heaven is For Real (2014) - I'm relatively religious, and this seems like a feel-good film to take your Grandma to after an early-bird Greek restaurant breakfast.
The Hobbit: There and Back Again (2014) - Drunk, hairy midgets hatchet hack at a voice named Cumberbatch until he dies.
Horrible Bosses 2 (2014) - Charlie Day uses this movie’s full time allotment to get Jennifer Anniston to take her shirt off in front of the camera. Hopefully.
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014) - Who didn't feel good after watching the first one? Plus, it's the sequel to one of my wife's favorite movies.
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 (2014) - The second installment was so good, I read this book. This was the only non-Star Wars book I’ve read in 3 years.
Hunger Games: Mockingjay 2 (2015) - The book wasn't long enough to split into two movies.
Insidious 3 (2015) - I think Darth Maul finally learns how to dual wield double-sided lightsabers in this installment.
Insurgent (2015) - Sequel to Divergent where the entire movie takes place in a bubble somewhere.
Jersey Boys (2014) - If you don’t like Frank Valli-era music, you don’t know music and should drive your Bieber-loving self off a cliff.
Jungle Book (2015) - A young white boy is raised by black panthers and cannot seem to get along with tigers. Its a very confusing racial metaphore. Live action.
Jurassic World (2015) - The script has been rewritten 4 times and will probably still suck, but as long as they have raptors in tall grass, I'm sure most of us will be okay with it.
Lone Survivor (2014) - Who doesn't appreciate a military movie based off actual events staring the guy who founded the Funky Bunch?
Mad Max (2015) - I’m sure we’ve all asked, “Why?” But you’re lying to yourself if you’re saying you won’t watch it.
Mission Impossible 5 (2015) - Tom Cruise proves that age doesn’t matter when you’re discussing zip lining or love interests.
Nymphomaniac: Part One (2014) - If you're a dude and haven't seen this trailer yet, Google it. Now. Unless you're at work. Don't Google it there.
Nymphomaniac: Part Two (2014) - See above.
Paranormal Activity 5 (2014) - Because 4 just wasn't enough to tell this story.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) - Because the only thing this film series was missing was a spin-off.
Peanuts (2015) - The only thing real-life was missing was a CGI Charlie Brown and Snoopy watching a cartoon Charlie and Snoopy on the television.
Poltergeist (2015) - The only thing this movie will have in common with it’s original is that some little girl will say “They’re here.” Also, all the actors die in real life.
Popeye (2015) - No one knows anything about this yet, but, God, I hope it’s live action!
Robocop (2014) - I heard there was no CGI used during any scenes that showed Detroit buildings being destroyed.
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) - I've got nothing for this one. I'm just excited for it.
Star Wars 7 (2015) - The release of the release date of this movie gave me an orgasm. I was wearing basketball shorts in public.
Ted 2 (2015) - Mark Wallburgh wakes up from his 20-year, marijuana induced coma the most famous person in America, as no one has ever went into a pot coma before. Also, he has brain damage and talks to teddies.
Terminator: Genesis (2015) - The movie takes place in the future where Arnold is a real life person who is the model for the robots we know from the past. My guess.
TMNT (2014) - I don't care if they're aliens or if the movie takes place in Dimension X. Give. Me. Turtles.
Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (2014) - a Shai LeBuffless flick where Marky Mark gives Megatron the middle finger for 3 hours.
The Vatican Tapes (2014) - A Horror movie about an exorcism where girl gets a paper cut and some bacterial infection turns her into Satan.
Veronica Mars (2014) - 35 year-old Veronica goes back to school and actually pays attention after learning that private investigative work doesn’t pay well. Like, at all.
X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Wolverine convinces Professor X and Magneto not to go havsies on that '85 DeLorean.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Where to Start in the Star Wars Expanded Universe
The Star Wars Expanded Universe is a dauntingly large storyline for a newcomer to jump into. I was lucky enough to start my fan hood in the early 90s, right before the time the EU started growing faster than its readers could keep up. Now, the EU spans for thousands of years before and after the movies, correlating stories and characters that are in no way tied or related to the films most Star Wars fans grew up watching. An entire galaxy of possible mini-stories has been created and considered cannon ("official" storyline material). My little brother has probably watched The Saga exponentially more than I have, yet he has never heard of Darman, Coran Horn, or Grand Admiral Thrawn.
All that taken into consideration, there are a few different story lines that a new reader could help themselves to without finding themselves lost in a maelstrom of hodgepodge information.
The Republic Commando Series - Link - One has to begin with Karen Traviss's Republic Commando series, which throws you into the the Star Wars galaxy mere days after the Battle for Geonosis (Episode II: Attack of the Clones). Four clone commandos, canibalized from four different teams that were destroyed during the fight on Geonosis, are forced into a rush/raid mission together on a planet you have never heard of (and probably never hear of again). They meet up with a Jedi Padawan girl who had lost her Jedi Master days earlier, creating a future character arch to evolve into a storyline unlike any other Star Wars storyline I have ever read. This series is, hands-down, my favorite, and if you find yourself disconnected from any of the characters created by Karen Traviss in these books (or any of her characters, for that matter), you shouldn't even be reading anything in the science fiction genre anyways because your real life is probably just too damn interesting. Spoiler: The story of Delta squad and friends abruptly ends four or five books in, but loosely picks back up again in the Legacy of the Force Era decades later in the EU storyline. Like I said before, this is hands down, my favorite series, and because of it Karen Traviss has evolved into my favorite science fiction writer, using her real world military knowledge to write captivating stories showcasing the horrors of war and the necessity of brotherhood. Read it!
The X-Wing Series - Link - Don't let the fact that I read the first novel of this series at age 9 fool you into thinking this series is for children. The storyline takes place shortly after the conclusion of Return of the Jedi, and the Rebellion is still fighting the Empire. The Essential Reader's Companion states that Michael A. Stackpole originally came up with the idea of "Star Wars meets Top Gun" for a novel when he began writing what developed into a ten book series spotlighting the members of Rogue Squadron (and eventually Wraith Squadron). Mr. Stackpole authored the first four books, and Aaron Allston brought the rest of the series home save for Michael coming back to write the eighth installment. This is another series that opens the readers' eyes to a whole new world, creating characters that reach far into the rest of Star Wars cannon. Plus, there's a comic book series that fills the story's void in between the books. All around, this is a great series for action junkies as well as the average suspense readers. With the taking of Coruscant, Industrial espionage, and consistently classic Star Wars dogfights (in space, not Mike Vick style), Stackpole and Allston do an impressive job in getting a Star Wars fan's rocks off.
Shatterpoint - Link - Taking place sometime during the Clone Wars, the story of Mace Windu's trip back to his home world in an attempt to save his former padawan is ranked relatively high on my list of "single story" novels in the Expanded Universe. There isn't a real tie into much else of the EU or the Saga, but Shatterpoint easily builds up Mace Windu's character, adding personality and history to an otherwise frowning mocha face. I'm not quite sure that this novel will help to ease you into the rest of the Expanded Universe, but you could definitely read it with nothing but basic Saga knowledge without getting lost. Plus, if I remember correctly, there was quite a bit of brutal violence. Who doesn't like that?
Shadows of the Empire - Link - Have you ever questioned what happened in between the Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi? Well, in 1996, Steve Perry finally answered the SW addicts' beckons. Luke, Leia, Chewbacca, Lando Calrissian, Wedge Antilles, and Dash Rendar (play the N64 game that shares the same name as this book to find out about that guy) take on Darth Vader and Prince Xizor (newly introduced, closet enemy of Vader) in this novel that leads directly into the beginning of Return of the Jedi. I'm pretty sure some of the new characters in this story even had their own action figures. If I think back really hard, I had a Xizor toy before I had any idea who the guy was.
Don't let the Star Wars section at Barnes & Noble scare you, but at the same time, don't let the "conclusion" of the Saga trick you into thinking that the story ends at the Battle of Endor. The Special Extended Edition ending of Return of the Jedi leads newcomers to the Expanded Universe to believe that Empire-controlled Coruscant fell to the Rebel Alliance shortly after the destruction of the second Death Star. Though this may be relatively true in the grand scheme of Star Wars's Expanded Universe timeline (36,000+ years), it still took around three years for the Rebellion (reborn as the New Republic) to liberate the galactic capital from the Empire. I didn't know Coruscant even existed when I started my EU venture. The average Star Wars fan misses so much story by avoiding the novels, comics, and games! So jump on your Kindle/Nook and invest seven dollars into the best fiction decision you will ever make. Happy reading.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Star Wars Attack Squadrons: Straight from the Beta Trenches
Star Wars: Attack Squadrons
First things first, you have to install Unity Web Player. So, for any of you hopefuls out there that thought this was going to be like the old X-Wing or Tie Fighter games… You play it within a web browser. Not that this is a real complaint yet. You can still switch it into full screen which makes you forget you’re in a web browser because it looks like a pretty cool game, especially for a free-to-play. It also feels pretty nice too, though you’re forced to play with a mouse, which was never my thing back in the old X-Wing Alliance days. Knowing that this is being written during closed beta, there is no way to change any controls either. If you fly inverted, you’re out of luck for now. You’re just going to have to get used to the controls.
As a matter of fact, there’s no real instructions for the controls either. They kind of just drop you in the middle of a dog fight and let you figure it out on your own. I died a lot in the first four minutes. There also seems to be an “up”, which I don’t understand (being space and all), but no matter how hard you turn, juke, or screw, your ship always ends up “righting” itself so up is up. Kind of odd, but maybe it really has been that long since I played a Star Wars simulator. One-on-one dogfights can get a bit dicey, if both of you know the controls well, which I found extremely entertaining. A left bank, into a loopy-loop, into a dive, into a swinging 180 and that little S.O.B. is still right behind me. I hadn’t cussed that loud since “The Most Addicting Game Ever” was a thing.
The only mission that’s playable is “Team Dogfight” with the only board being “Lucrehulk Relic”, which seems to take place over Naboo. You don’t get points off of kills alone; it seems you’re scored based on damage inflicted. You earn credits for every match but obviously receive more for a victory, as opposed to a defeat. You use these credits to buy things within your Workshop and Hangar.
There aren’t very many selections to choose from in beta, starship wise. All there is is the Tie Interceptor, the X-Wing, and the Y-Wing. As of right now, you cannot buy any other star crafts. But, from a load-out point of view, the fighters you do posses are quite customizable, albeit confusing. Like I said previously, they didn’t give me any instructions, or if they did, I click-click-clicked right through them without realizing it. So, when it came down to customizing, I didn’t really know what to do, or what the ships were capable of. I ended up spending what little credits I’d earned on things that are probably irrelevant.
Also, Tie Interceptors don't have shields, but in this game, they do. Small complaint from an Expanded Universe fanatic.
Despite how utterly basic the gameplay is, i found myself submersed in this "flight simulator". This is quite addicting. It has to be the revenge factor of the game, because the only other objective is to not die. If they're objective was to turn me into a meth hound, but for SWAS, in under forty minutes, they succeeded. Well played.
I’m not one hundred percent sure what they’re going to do to make me spend money on this game, though. I’m curious what USD can buy compared to Galactic Credits. I have a feeling I won’t be seeing that in closed beta at all.
All-in-all, there is quite a bit of promise in this. Area 52 seemed to think about this quite a bit during conception. The amount of time that one could spend in this game is unfathomable, and I, for one, am extraordinarily giddy to see the full thing launch with full customization and a plethora of online missions. Well, to be honest, I just want to kamikaze a kelly green Tie-Fighter into a Mon Calamari cruiser. Is that an odd wish?
2nd Round of Closed Beta
I did some testing with gameplay on Mac. It didn't seem to like the Mac Google Chrome browser very much, but it did seem to work well within Safari. That being said, Do Not Play This Game With an Apple Magic Mouse! The fact that the mouse is unable to let you click the left and right mouse buttons puts you at a sever disadvantage, especially if you're a Tie Interceptor kind of guy. That will make more sense to you while you start playing.
They added a new game-play style but still only have one board to play on. Base Defend is a bit different from Team Dogfight. You're still split into two teams, but there is an attacker and a defender. The defender has three Corellian Corvettes to defend, while the attacker launches from a Star Destroyer's hangar bay. The objective for the defender is to keep at least one of your Corvettes functional for 10 minutes, the the attackers are the exact opposite. The only thing the defenders can do to slow the attackers down is attack and destroy the Star Destroyer's hangar bay, which is very difficult, and even then, it only forces the attackers to spawn just a bit further away. The game-play is a breath of fresh air from the traditional dog fight, which is all I played for quite some time. It also forced me to be the Y-Wing for the first time since I tried it out on Beta Day 1.
I'm quite impressed with this game. I just hope they eventually allow joystick/controller controls and a cockpit view, which they may very well already allow, I just haven't had a chance to test it yet.
(More information and pictures to be added throughout closed-beta)
I feel obligated to edit the end of this and let you know that this game will no longer be made. Disney pumped the brakes on it for some reason, though I don't know why.
First things first, you have to install Unity Web Player. So, for any of you hopefuls out there that thought this was going to be like the old X-Wing or Tie Fighter games… You play it within a web browser. Not that this is a real complaint yet. You can still switch it into full screen which makes you forget you’re in a web browser because it looks like a pretty cool game, especially for a free-to-play. It also feels pretty nice too, though you’re forced to play with a mouse, which was never my thing back in the old X-Wing Alliance days. Knowing that this is being written during closed beta, there is no way to change any controls either. If you fly inverted, you’re out of luck for now. You’re just going to have to get used to the controls.
As a matter of fact, there’s no real instructions for the controls either. They kind of just drop you in the middle of a dog fight and let you figure it out on your own. I died a lot in the first four minutes. There also seems to be an “up”, which I don’t understand (being space and all), but no matter how hard you turn, juke, or screw, your ship always ends up “righting” itself so up is up. Kind of odd, but maybe it really has been that long since I played a Star Wars simulator. One-on-one dogfights can get a bit dicey, if both of you know the controls well, which I found extremely entertaining. A left bank, into a loopy-loop, into a dive, into a swinging 180 and that little S.O.B. is still right behind me. I hadn’t cussed that loud since “The Most Addicting Game Ever” was a thing.
The only mission that’s playable is “Team Dogfight” with the only board being “Lucrehulk Relic”, which seems to take place over Naboo. You don’t get points off of kills alone; it seems you’re scored based on damage inflicted. You earn credits for every match but obviously receive more for a victory, as opposed to a defeat. You use these credits to buy things within your Workshop and Hangar.
There aren’t very many selections to choose from in beta, starship wise. All there is is the Tie Interceptor, the X-Wing, and the Y-Wing. As of right now, you cannot buy any other star crafts. But, from a load-out point of view, the fighters you do posses are quite customizable, albeit confusing. Like I said previously, they didn’t give me any instructions, or if they did, I click-click-clicked right through them without realizing it. So, when it came down to customizing, I didn’t really know what to do, or what the ships were capable of. I ended up spending what little credits I’d earned on things that are probably irrelevant.
Also, Tie Interceptors don't have shields, but in this game, they do. Small complaint from an Expanded Universe fanatic.
Despite how utterly basic the gameplay is, i found myself submersed in this "flight simulator". This is quite addicting. It has to be the revenge factor of the game, because the only other objective is to not die. If they're objective was to turn me into a meth hound, but for SWAS, in under forty minutes, they succeeded. Well played.
I’m not one hundred percent sure what they’re going to do to make me spend money on this game, though. I’m curious what USD can buy compared to Galactic Credits. I have a feeling I won’t be seeing that in closed beta at all.
All-in-all, there is quite a bit of promise in this. Area 52 seemed to think about this quite a bit during conception. The amount of time that one could spend in this game is unfathomable, and I, for one, am extraordinarily giddy to see the full thing launch with full customization and a plethora of online missions. Well, to be honest, I just want to kamikaze a kelly green Tie-Fighter into a Mon Calamari cruiser. Is that an odd wish?
2nd Round of Closed Beta
I did some testing with gameplay on Mac. It didn't seem to like the Mac Google Chrome browser very much, but it did seem to work well within Safari. That being said, Do Not Play This Game With an Apple Magic Mouse! The fact that the mouse is unable to let you click the left and right mouse buttons puts you at a sever disadvantage, especially if you're a Tie Interceptor kind of guy. That will make more sense to you while you start playing.
They added a new game-play style but still only have one board to play on. Base Defend is a bit different from Team Dogfight. You're still split into two teams, but there is an attacker and a defender. The defender has three Corellian Corvettes to defend, while the attacker launches from a Star Destroyer's hangar bay. The objective for the defender is to keep at least one of your Corvettes functional for 10 minutes, the the attackers are the exact opposite. The only thing the defenders can do to slow the attackers down is attack and destroy the Star Destroyer's hangar bay, which is very difficult, and even then, it only forces the attackers to spawn just a bit further away. The game-play is a breath of fresh air from the traditional dog fight, which is all I played for quite some time. It also forced me to be the Y-Wing for the first time since I tried it out on Beta Day 1.
I'm quite impressed with this game. I just hope they eventually allow joystick/controller controls and a cockpit view, which they may very well already allow, I just haven't had a chance to test it yet.
(More information and pictures to be added throughout closed-beta)
I feel obligated to edit the end of this and let you know that this game will no longer be made. Disney pumped the brakes on it for some reason, though I don't know why.
Friday, January 10, 2014
How The 2015 Ant-Man Storyline Should Go
How the Ant-Man Film's Storyline Should Go
(Caution towards inevitable future spoilers)Without sounding cocky, the most logical storyline of the 2015 Ant-Man film adaptation, directed by Edgar Wright, will feature a lovable, semi-comedic anti-hero, Scott Lang (Paul Rudd), who sees stealing the Ant-Man suit from S.H.I.E.L.D for use of thievery as his only viable solution for saving his sick daughter (Cassie, who eventually turns into Stature [Young Avengers]). After being caught by S.H.I.E.L.D in the process of some generic, high-payout heist and sent to secret S.H.I.E.L.D holding, he meets Henry Pym, the original Ant-Man (played by Michael Douglas), who is currently going through a court martial and was kicked out of S.H.I.E.L.D. for unmentioned and story-irrelevant actions conducted as Yellowjacket (the alter-ego he adopted after he hung up the Ant-Man costume). Here Henry Pym "mentors" Scott Lang as S.H.I.E.L.D discusses what to do with Scott.
I know this slightly (well, maybe more than slightly) deviates off of cannon as Scott Lang's Ant-Man and Yellowjacket didn't really exist at the same time, but Marvel Films has already deviated from comic book cannon by saying that Henry Pym was not the creator of Ultron (when in fact, in the comics, he was), and instead Marvel is probably giving that title to Tony Stark (which is BS). What's one more creative deviation?
Later, when Henry Pym is being transported from his lockup to his court martial hearing, his original arch nemesis previously thought dead, Egghead attacks the convoy, breaking Henry/Yellowjacket out. Egghead "manipulates" Pym into helping him with the heist of a national reserve of adamantium. This is actual comic book cannon, and also a great tongue-in-cheek wink to X-Men. Unbeknownst to Egghead, Yellowjacket really isn't being manipulated, but is in actuality planning on following through with the heist, but instead of stealing the adamantium, he purposely fails in his heist in an attempt to throw Egghead under the bus and show S.H.I.E.L.D. that Egghead is still alive and just as evil as ever, only to find out that Egghead saw this coming and set Yellowjacket up for failure! Egghead had already cleared out of his makeshift hideout, taking everything that pointed to his existence with him, implying to S.H.I.E.L.D. that Yellowjacket acted alone in the heist.
Here Scott Lang's Ant-Man shows up, tussling with Yellowjacket who is driven mad by the fact that he was duped by his nemesis. Yellowjacket fights back angrily, in a psychotic rage, knowing full well that no one will believe him in his claims that he was trying to set up a previously believed dead villain. Eventually defeated by Ant-Man, Yellowjacket is taken back into S.H.I.E.L.D custody and his part of the movie ends with him in S.H.I.E.L.D. prison as a sad and semi-psychotic Henry Pym.
As a thank you for his help, S.H.I.E.L.D funds an experimental procedure that cures Scott Lang's daughter's heart disease. Scott Lang meets Tony Stark and David Banner because they're all geniuses and need to hang out within the Marvel universe for the enjoyment of the viewers.
After everything is said and done between Ant Man and Yellowjacket, S.H.I.E.L.D. takes over the adamantium loot, turning it into a crime scene, but since Yellowjacket is no longer a threat, they have minimal security on it. Egghead kills the few guards protecting the loot, and walks away with the adamantium. And since no one knows he still alive, Scott Lang raises an eyebrow at the idea that the culprit was Herny Pym's old arch-enemy because of a conversation they previously had together in jail that I forgot to mention earlier. Who knows what Egghead wants to do with the adamantium...
<Insert Thanos tie-in Involving the adamantium?...>
In a future post, I'll explain why introducing a character like Ant-Man, that hardly anyone from my generation knows about, into the Marvel film universe is an absolutely brilliant idea.
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